on watching how to lapdance videos at 2am
02:03AM how do people not fart whilst gyrating, this is mad skill
02:04AM do you need to wear lycra with the little translucent patches?
02:08AM all my flesh rolls would leap to win themselves freeeedom
02:11AM lady, may I lay my head in UR lap!!!
02:18AM <3 <3 <3 wow, she is extremely agile for an 82-year-old <3 <3 <3
02:21AM I received a lap-dance once - during GCSE drama
02:23AM my shoulders have been tense for a decade.
02:23AM (from the most beautiful girl in my year.)
02:24AM do I need to lap-dance on an actual human, would a chair do?
02:27AM (I didn’t enjoy it, although I wanted to.)
02:28AM I am there and I care for you, chair!!!
02:29AM will I ever date someone who would autonomously think of giving me a
lapdance?
02:32AM Google: how to get one’s nut in a slightly dimmed room?
02:33AM hey, no licking or groping the chair, thank you!
02:37AM (she straddled that thin line between humiliation & eroticism)
02:39AM did medieval knights ever use a contraption called a daplance?
02:41AM if I ovulate whilst dancing, would I be incrementally better to watch?
02:49AM a ‘laptop’ could instead signify a skilled move involving the upper half of the
body?
02:55AM ostensibly, ‘daplances’ were tools reserved only for the suavest of lieges.
03:00AM wheezing from the strain!!! my knees feel arthritic looool
03:10AM can you lap dance sitting down? do a lil jiggle?
03:19AM (everyone laughed, it was a test of just how gay I was)
03:20AM will I ever meet someone who I’d feel comfortable lap-dancing for?
03:42AM LOL I’d have to wear extremely thick knickers
03:56AM Google: is it appropriative to do lap-dances if you don’t work as a lap-dancer?
03:59AM I have a strange relationship with my belly flab ahaha
03:59AM actually, who doesn’t
04:01AM (she chose me bc it was clear I was unfuckable.)
04:07AM what song would I dance to though? can a lap-dance be derivative??
04:09AM not sure I’d manage such grace with a real live human present
04:11AM seen a few girls from school on Tinder, my thumb urging rightly…
04:12AM best to flick them to the void? what if we’re all watching these videos at the
same time?!
04:12AM wonder if they remember. if asked to re-enact, would I sit still for her again?
Annie Hayter is a Barbican Young Poet and London Writers Awardee, who figures the queerness in myth-making. They won BBC Proms Young Poet 2011, were runner-up for Times Young Poet 2012, and shortlisted for Young People’s Laureate for London. In 2021, they came third in the Cúirt New Writing Prize for Poetry, shortlisted for London Magazine’s Short Story Prize, commended for Bristol Short Story Prize, longlisted for Alpine Fellowship and Mslexia Flash Fiction. Performances at: Southbank Centre, Queer Fringe, Verve Festival and Radio 3. Words in: MAGMA, Tentacular, Bedtime Stories for the End of the World, and TimeOut.
